CHAPTER I TREATS OF THE PLACE WHERE OLIVER Oliver Twist TWIST WAS BORN AND OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDING HIS Oliver Twist BIRTH Among other public buildings in a certain town , which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning , and to which I will assign no fictitious name , there is one anciently common to most towns , great or small : to wit , a the workhouse workhouse ; and in this the workhouse workhouse was born ; on a day and date which I need not trouble myself to repeat , inasmuch as it can be of no possible consequence to the reader , in this stage of the business at all events ; the item of mortality whose name is prefixed to the head of this chapter . For a long time after it was ushered into this world of sorrow and trouble , by the parish surgeon , it remained a matter of considerable doubt whether the Oliver Twist child would survive to bear any name at all ; in which case it is somewhat more than probable that these memoirs would never have appeared ; or , if they had , that being comprised within a couple of pages , they would have possessed the inestimable merit of being the most concise and faithful specimen of biography , extant in the literature of any age or country . Although I am not disposed to maintain that the being born in a the workhouse workhouse , is in itself the most fortunate and enviable circumstance that can possibly befall a human being , I do mean to say that in this particular instance , it was the best thing for Oliver Oliver Twist Twist that could by possibility have occurred . The fact is , that there was considerable difficulty in inducing Oliver Oliver Twist to take upon himself Oliver Twist the office of respiration , -- a troublesome practice , but one which custom has rendered necessary to our easy existence ; and for some time he Oliver Twist lay gasping on a little flock mattress , rather unequally poised between this world and the next : the balance being decidedly in favour of the latter . Now , if , during this brief period , Oliver Oliver Twist had been surrounded by careful grandmothers , anxious aunts , experienced nurses , and doctors of profound wisdom , he Oliver Twist would most inevitably and indubitably have been killed in no time . There being nobody by , however , but a pauper old woman , who was rendered rather misty by an unwonted allowance of beer ; and a The surgeon parish surgeon who did such matters by contract ; Oliver Oliver Twist and Nature fought out the point between them . The result was , that , after a few struggles , Oliver Oliver Twist breathed , sneezed , and proceeded to advertise to the inmates of the the workhouse workhouse the fact of a new burden having been imposed upon the parish , by setting up as loud a cry as could reasonably have been expected from a Oliver Twist male infant who had not been possessed of that very useful appendage , a voice , for a much longer space of time than three minutes and a quarter . As Oliver Oliver Twist gave this first proof of the free and proper action of his Oliver Twist lungs , the patchwork coverlet which was carelessly flung over the iron bedstead , rustled ; the pale face of a a young woman young woman was raised feebly from the pillow ; and a faint voice imperfectly articulated the words , ' Let me a young woman see the Oliver Twist child , and die . ' The The surgeon surgeon had been sitting with his The surgeon face turned towards the fire : giving the palms of his The surgeon hands a warm and a rub alternately . As the a young woman young woman spoke , he The surgeon rose , and advancing to the bed 's head , said , with more kindness than might have been expected of him The surgeon : ' Oh , you must not talk about dying yet . ' ' Lor bless her a young woman dear heart , no ! ' interposed the the nurse nurse , hastily depositing in her the nurse pocket a green glass bottle , the contents of which she the nurse had been tasting in a corner with evident satisfaction . ' Lor bless her a young woman dear heart , when she a young woman has lived as long as I the nurse have , sir The surgeon , and had thirteen children of her a young woman own , and all on 'em dead except two , and them in the wurkus with me the nurse , she a young woman 'll know better than to take on in that way , bless her a young woman dear heart ! Think what it is to be a mother , there 's a dear young lamb do . ' Apparently this consolatory perspective of a mother 's prospects failed in producing its due effect . The a young woman patient shook her a young woman head , and stretched out her a young woman hand towards the child . The The surgeon surgeon deposited it in her a young woman arms . She a young woman imprinted her a young woman cold white lips passionately on its forehead ; passed her a young woman hands over her a young woman face ; gazed wildly round ; shuddered ; fell back -- and died . They chafed her a young woman breast , hands , and temples ; but the blood had stopped forever . They talked of hope and comfort . They had been strangers too long . ' It 's all over , Mrs. a young woman Thingummy ! ' said the The surgeon surgeon at last . ' Ah , poor a young woman dear , so it is ! ' said the the nurse nurse , picking up the cork of the green bottle , which had fallen out on the pillow , as she the nurse stooped to take up the child . ' Poor dear ! ' ' You the nurse need n't mind sending up to me The surgeon , if the Oliver Twist child cries , nurse the nurse , ' said the The surgeon surgeon , putting on his The surgeon gloves with great deliberation . ' It 's very likely it _ will _ be troublesome . Give it Oliver Twist a little gruel if it is . ' He The surgeon put on his The surgeon hat , and , pausing by the bed - side on his The surgeon way to the door , added , ' She was a good - looking girl , too ; where did she come from ? ' ' She was brought here the workhouse last night , ' replied the the nurse old woman , ' by the overseer 's order . She was found lying in the street . She had walked some distance , for her shoes were worn to pieces ; but where she came from , or where she was going to , nobody knows . ' The The surgeon surgeon leaned over the body , and raised the left hand . ' The old story , ' he The surgeon said , shaking his The surgeon head : ' no wedding - ring , I The surgeon see . Ah ! Good - night ! ' The The surgeon medical gentleman walked away to dinner ; and the the nurse nurse , having once more applied herself the nurse to the green bottle , sat down on a low chair before the fire , and proceeded to dress the Oliver Twist infant . What an excellent example of the power of dress , young Oliver Twist Oliver Twist was ! Wrapped in the blanket which had hitherto formed his Oliver Twist only covering , he Oliver Twist might have been the child of a nobleman or a beggar ; it would have been hard for the haughtiest stranger to have assigned him Oliver Twist his Oliver Twist proper station in society . But now that he Oliver Twist was enveloped in the old calico robes which had grown yellow in the same service , he Oliver Twist was badged and ticketed , and fell into his Oliver Twist place at once -- a parish child -- the orphan of a the workhouse workhouse -- the humble , half - starved drudge -- to be cuffed and buffeted through the world -- despised by all , and pitied by none . Oliver Oliver Twist cried lustily . If he Oliver Twist could have known that he Oliver Twist was an orphan , left to the tender mercies of church - wardens and overseers , perhaps he Oliver Twist would have cried the louder . CHAPTER II TREATS OF OLIVER Oliver Twist TWIST 'S GROWTH , EDUCATION , AND BOARD For the next eight or ten months , Oliver Oliver Twist was the victim of a systematic course of treachery and deception . He Oliver Twist was brought up by hand . The hungry and destitute situation of the Oliver Twist infant orphan was duly reported by the workhouse authorities to the parish authorities . The parish authorities inquired with dignity of the workhouse authorities , whether there was no female then domiciled in ' the the workhouse house ' who was in a situation to impart to Oliver Oliver Twist Twist , the consolation and nourishment of which he Oliver Twist stood in need . The workhouse authorities replied with humility , that there was not . Upon this , the parish authorities magnanimously and humanely resolved , that Oliver Oliver Twist should be ' farmed , ' or , in other words , that he Oliver Twist should be dispatched to a branch - workhouse some three miles off , where twenty or thirty other juvenile offenders against the poor - laws , rolled about the floor all day , without the inconvenience of too much food or too much clothing , under the parental superintendence of an elderly female , who received the culprits at and for the consideration of sevenpence - halfpenny per small head per week . Sevenpence - halfpenny 's worth per week is a good round diet for a child ; a great deal may be got for sevenpence - halfpenny , quite enough to overload its stomach , and make it uncomfortable . The elderly female was a woman of wisdom and experience ; she knew what was good for children ; and she had a very accurate perception of what was good for herself a young woman . So , she a young woman appropriated the greater part of the weekly stipend to her a young woman own use , and consigned the rising parochial generation to even a shorter allowance than was originally provided for them . Thereby finding in the lowest depth a deeper still ; and proving herself a young woman a very great experimental philosopher . Everybody knows the story of another experimental philosopher who had a great theory about a horse being able to live without eating , and who demonstrated it so well , that he had got his own horse down to a straw a day , and would unquestionably have rendered him a very spirited and rampacious animal on nothing at all , if he had not died , four - and - twenty hours before he was to have had his first comfortable bait of air . Unfortunately for , the experimental philosophy of the female to whose protecting care Oliver Oliver Twist Twist was delivered over , a similar result usually attended the operation of _ her a young woman _ system ; for at the very moment when the child had contrived to exist upon the smallest possible portion of the weakest possible food , it did perversely happen in eight and a half cases out of ten , either that it sickened from want and cold , or fell into the fire from neglect , or got half - smothered by accident ; in any one of which cases , the miserable little being was usually summoned into another world , and there gathered to the fathers it had never known in this . Occasionally , when there was some more than usually interesting inquest upon a parish child who had been overlooked in turning up a bedstead , or inadvertently scalded to death when there happened to be a washing -- though the latter accident was very scarce , anything approaching to a washing being of rare occurrence in the farm -- the jury would take it into their heads to ask troublesome questions , or the parishioners would rebelliously affix their signatures to a remonstrance . But these impertinences were speedily checked by the evidence of the The surgeon surgeon , and the testimony of the beadle ; the former of whom had always opened the body and found nothing inside ( which was very probable indeed ) , and the latter of whom invariably swore whatever the parish wanted ; which was very self - devotional . Besides , the board made periodical pilgrimages to the farm , and always sent the beadle the day before , to say they were going . The children were neat and clean to behold , when _ they _ went ; and what more would the people have !